The Final Cause

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“The final cause, and heed this worthy scholars!” Aristotle proclaimed to a crowd of heeding  worthy scholars, “is what imparts meaning to sex. The merry dance of sex is ridiculous, pointless and mark ye, foul misused and corrupt! if it is not directed to fulfill the final cause, gentlemen!”

The crowd of heeding worthy scholars nodded in sympathy.

“And I ask you, you unsexed swine, what may be the final cause herein? Why was sex created and why oh why did nature enable its cloistered functioning? Only to procreate gentlemen, mark ye, only to procreate!”

It is of course a well known fact that Aristotle later died a virgin.

However three thousand years later, Bozo was accosted on the street on the following manner.

“Fucktard!” A voice shouted at him.

“You talking to me?” Bozo politely enquired of the voice.

“Of course I am. You are the one that sleeps with cacti aren’t you?”

“Oh you know me then!” Bozo smiled, all smiles. “But I am sorry to say that I haven’t had the pleasure of your aquaintance please?”

“Fucktard,” said the voice. “Servile! Blasphemous! I am …

“Ah, God?” Bozo said in some recognition.

“Of course not you fool! What do you think these are…the Dark Ages?! To think of…! I am Mother Nature!”

“By Jove!”

“Indeed. Indeed!”

“They always told me you were only made up.”

“Of course they would, wouldn’t they? The patriarchal fucktards!”

“Ah right. So um…’sup?”

“YOU are up! What are you doing! Why are you not working to fulfill my final cause!”

“Eh?”

“Cacti-human children you fool!”

“Oh right! Almost forgot!” Bozo apologised and shat the final cause. This cause was hailed by the scientific community as the final cause for the past three millenia and by real people as obscene and grotesque.

Mother Nature smiled.

Why Happy Sex?

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Hello readers of our blog. Well, my blog. Well, this blog.

But “our” just sounds so much better you know? Because we’re all into sexy clowning together! And because I love you all. Really! Each one of you is so very very fuckable. And I am the most sincere person ever. C’est vrai.

So one question which often gets asked here is this: Why is happy sex so the best?

Thankfully, today we have with us an expert to answer that question in the most succinct and precise manner of all the sexiest possible manners.

And he says:

Because sex without smiling is as sickly and base as vodka and tonic without ice.

Thank you, Mr. Stephen Fry! THANK YOU! Couldn’t have put it any better myself! You are ONE HELL OF A sexy person and I would do you even if you were gay, because when did things like that ever matter? We all would, we SWEAR!

[Approving applause from studio audience]

Everywhere!

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“I’m SO hyper and sexy right NOW!!!” O screamed as her mouth split wide wider wider widest wide.

“How much? How much?!” The Finnish girl implored. The Finnish girl was drunk on whiskey. Whiskey whisks people and makes them happy.

And happy things are happy, don’t you agree?

“So much so that I could fuck everyone on the planet. Fuck them nicely. Fuck them hard. Fuck them quick. And fuck them rhythmically. And fuck them in the clouds!” O yelled in ecstacy.

The Finnish girl yawned. Finnish are cold people, it has been said. But this one had asparagus growing out of her pussy which O very much wanted to eat. O has weird tastes, it has been said.

“TOGETHER!!!” O added emphatically.

“Oh now, you are making sense!” Finnish woman finnished that sentence with a huge laugh and asparagus jumped everywhere.

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!” O let out a stream of fucks and it was all fucked and Finn-girl was fucked and everyone was fucked and it was AWESOME. Like AWESOME and AWESOME. because O couldnt stop typing. and fucking. and typing. and fucking. even though it made no sense whatsoever. But sex is kind of like that. That’s what makes it AWESOME.

And then there was loud crack CRACK! and a fuse in Finn woman exploded and she jumped up hard. Asparagus everywhere! Kids were aghast but went chomp chomp anyway because clowns were ecstatic and she zwooped right into the air and through the ceiling and into everywhere.

This is what’s SO good about sex! It’s EVERYWHERE!

Now let the happiness begin!