Monthly Archives: April 2012

Of Elephant Dicks


Of Elephant Dicks

“I am huge.”

Submitted by abcd.


Sexual Creation, Part II


The following folk story is popularly told among the sheep owned by the Elke people of southern Siberia. Read the first part of this story here.

For a thousand years, men, women and children had been careful about maintaining all dicks in the natural state. But one guy called Benthy was very bored of all this what he deemed to be “nonsense” and declared, “Fuck God! (something which got God excited at first when he heard it with his omnipresent hearing senses, but which upon the realisation of it being a metaphor disappointed him.) It was Dolly the Sheep who gave us the extraordinary power of dicks and Dolly used science and thus it is science that we must worship.” This, declared Benthy, meant being efficient. And Dolly’s design of the penis, he further declared, was not efficient enough. These declaration caused some consternation among some people who asserted that making the penis more efficient would destroy the image of God in which it was constructed, but Benthy silenced them all with the highly efficient prototype of dickism which he had developed.

This prototype, which Benthy called circumcision, was shortly disclosed under a patent for the benefit of humankind. It meant that all new-born male babies had to pay a royalty to Benthy and beg him to cut their penises open. All this was very noble. So Benthy subsequently used his royalty money to get a few unimaginative men to write a book about him called the Bible. It was a very secret, sacred book. And five hundred years later when this book finally came into the public domain, it was re-released as the brand new and wholly original Qoran, with much fanfare.

When God heard of all these developments, he wanted to unleash his wrath upon Benthy. But being a dick himself (and not a very efficient one at that either) he couldn’t do much. So he just asked Dolly to hump him to which Dolly gladly obliged, because she knew what a pain it was being a dick without any hands.

Meanwhile Bozo was prophesied to be The Prophet of the Efficient Dicks by the Very Mysterious Association of Very Important People to Promote Dickism. So when Bozo was born on the night of a beautiful lunar eclipse whereby the moon was shadowed to look like a Great Efficient Penis, seven angels descended from the Heavens to suck his dick and seventeen Magi sodomised each other simultaneously in a ring seeking Bozo’s blessings even as twenty three Kings from Faraway Lands brought twenty three mirrors for Bozo to admire his dick.

Since all these rituals were performed to the perfection, Bozo’s penis hardened and enlarged to grow up to 108 feet and stayed this way all his life and in his death and was then declared to be a religious relic (which is currently on display in one of the southern lands, where people massage it everyday with milk and ghee for Bozo’s pleasure.) In his infinite wisdom, Bozo, as the Son of Science (and Dolly the Sheep) declared that to improve the efficiency of dickism, it was important that all penises be converted into lightsabers. This, he reasoned, would improve the seeding capacity of dicks by twenty thousand times and thus give a wider spread to dickism. Reasoning was a popular trend of the time, so everyone loved the idea.

“But how, O Great Bozo?,” they asked him together. “How do we change our penises to lightsabers?”

“Easy peasy. Let There Be Light!,” Bozo boomed (God and Dolly were still at it in Heaven while Science was hard at experimenting efficiently in Dolly’s laboratory), and all penises started glowing like christmas lights and they grew larger and larger and larger till they were all lightsabers. Men ooh-ed and aah-ed in pleasure and women fainted in ecstasy. And that is why, all sheep reason wisely, a woman glows so lovely when intercoursed by a real efficient dick.

A Dirty Story

Caution: The following story does not easily get to the point of touch because it was told by a girl and girls need the right setting  for producing oxytocin (as proven by The Scientific American).


One day I met a clown. He had strange blue gray eyes- dead like a fish, and he was very tired lugging his baggage. He asked me if I cared for some weed. I said ok. Then he asked me to massage his back because he was so tired. I tried but he said, “That’s awful!” and that I did not know anything. So I dropped a torch on his head and he howled. Then he tied me up and said that I ought to be beaten up and got a big stick. I struggled but he slapped me anyways and said it was nice to see me struggling and that it was funner than smoking weed. So that’s what he did and I thought it was very droll. Then he drew some on me and it sparkled. It sparkled and sparkled- blue, red and golden, till the police came up along with the goat-woman and asked us what we were doing. I said, “Making bombs,” and he colored their faces with a permanent marker and then we ran away.



Sexual Creation, Part I


The following folk story is popularly told among the sheep owned by the Elke people of southern Siberia.

Twenty thousand years ago, Dolly was a sheep but a very scientific sheep. She had a science laboratory built to conduct all her scientific experiments. She was in the employ of God who since the seventh day of Creation, that is the day of rest, had been suffering from a hangover and injecting too much cocaine to plan all creation by himself. So Dolly humbly did it on his behalf, as was her duty. Creation via science however is always beset with many problems and one problem that Dolly was having trouble with was the design of a penis, which was a reproductive organ that everyone worshipped. She could find little inspiration till one day God, in one of his fits of benevolence, sheared her to make a lovely sweater for himself, whereafter he whipped, slapped and rubbed his balls all over her shorn body. It was then that Dolly had her brilliant idea…since the penis was worshipped by everyone and God was worshipped by everyone, she reasoned that a penis must be designed in the image of God. Dolly was very strong at reasoning.

So she made the penis exactly in the image of God and God was very happy because he now looked exactly like a dick. When Dolly presented the design to him, as an expression of his happiness, he rubbed the penis so hard that it popped and tiny balloons floated from within it. This development made Dolly anxious but she was able to put the penis back together the way it had been. God was sorry for popping Dolly’s amazing penis and so vowed to always take extremely good care of all the dicks of the world. Consequently, he vowed to unleash his wrath upon any man, woman or child who wasn’t extremely cautious, tender and gentle around a dick because none of them can stand being offended. All men especially, he declared, who do not take their penises very seriously were in violation of the primary law of the sanctity of God (since a penis was in the image of God) and everyone who had their penises squeezed too hard, bitten, turned purple or popped would be in violation of the natural state of the penis. And because of its very long history, the natural state was very important, everyone agreed.

At first, the people of the earth were very happy because dicks were something new and thus intriguing. So they decided to humor all dicks. But soon they got bored and wanted to experiment, which is when Benthy came to their rescue.

Read the second part of the story here.

The King of Rainbow Pussies


When Bozo woke up that morning, he realized that he needed rainbow pussies. And lots of them. The regular brown ones just irked or disgusted him. The even-toned ones were no good either. What he really needed were those multi-coloured rainbow pussies which would produce white light through a prism. That’d really give him a boner unlike all the wrong ones which the circus women had.

So he went to find a woman with a rainbow pussy. But whenever he asked women if they had a rainbow pussy, they would burst our crying and run away and their tears would leave a puddle on the road. Bozo would then pick his cherry nose and move on. Women were hard to understand.

La la la la la, Bozo was singing on his way. And when he was on the road with the hill with a tree around the turn, he found a rainbow pussy. It mewed when it saw him. It had a mirror for a head and a shiny silver body, which beckoned him nearer as it smacked its butt with its lovely crystal hands as the mirror reflected all the rainbow colours. Bozo thought it was very sexy.

The pussy mewed once again. Bozo was getting a major hard-on now. But being the true gentleman that he was, he thought he would satisfy the needs of the pussy first.

Now, Bozo had read up a lot on the needs of the pussy in a very authoritative scientific journal. And it was a very good and scientific journal because it was so authoritative. Each one was extensively cited and well-researched on empirical data. It was obvious that it would be good. He had read that a pussy needs rubbing. So he went on rubbing and rubbing till the rainbow grew larger and larger and the pussy screamed all her mews. Bozo could see himself hard at work in the mirror face and this made him groan in pleasure.

Finally after a lot of rubbing, a genie appeared out of the rainbow pussy. “I have been trapped in this hairy, smelly, floppy pussy for 12 million years, simply because no one till now has found the right way to rub it. You, obviously read the How To- guides on the right way of rubbing a pussy, which has at last released me. So i will grant you three wishes.”

Bozo was excited.

“Your first wish is that all pussies in the world turn rainbow from the various stupid colours they are,” the genie said. The genie was a very omnipotent genie, so he knew everything that Bozo wanted already.

Boom! There was a small sulphur explosion and Bozo’s wish came true. Bozo checked on a little girl passing on the road to make sure and she squealed with joy when she saw her rainbow pussy. Clean and Dry Intimate Wash then started an aggressive ad campaign to make rainbow pussies the perfect shade of rainbow. It created a lot of money and sexually satisfied people.

“Your second wish is that you grow a dick where nose is,” the genie continued.

The cherry nose exploded and a huge penis appeared in its place, swaying to gravity. Bozo now looked like a sexy anteater. As he admired himself, the rainbow pussy with the mirror face thought he was very hot and thanked Bozo over and over.

“And here’s your third wish…your lifetime supply of Viagra, so you’re never important impotent.” The genie finally said as he poofed and vanished. A mountain of neatly packed cartons appeared next to the hill with a neon sign with huge letters saying, “FREE VIAGRA HERE!”

Bozo was thus the King of Rainbow Pussies forever and for a while which really meant he was the King of all Pussies, which slobbered and mewed over him all the time. Although seven years later, he found out that a lifetime supply doesn’t really mean supply for a lifetime even as lifetime imprisonment does mean prison for a lifetime. But the genie had it printed in very small letters the terms and conditions of the wishes, so rightfully Bozo should not have complained about that. But that is another dirty story.