Alice’s Adventures in Blunderland


“What’s the use,” Alice said to herself, “of sex without laughing balloons or terrible explosions?”

“Well, but there’s the procedure,” her sister remarked to The White Rabbit as he humped her under a huge daisy. “And one cannot not follow it.”

“Yes! Yes!” The White Rabbit nodded his head fast, “And it must be done well in time.” He finished as A Lice bit his ear. “No, no, young lady!,” he said, picking out the lice and throwing it away. “There’s no more time and I am done for the day. Shoo now!”  

“And stop kissing me as if you’re colouring!” He told Alice sternly as he flipped a watch from his waistcoat pocket. “Oh dear! I am too late for the Queen!” He exclaimed. The White Rabbit had a tight schedule for the entire day and could not afford to miss any of the calls as his doctor had confirmed that would be rendered impotent if he did. The appointment with Alice’s sister was done, Queenie was next, but she had some gory fetishes. “Off with his head!,” rang in The White Rabbit’s ears as he scampered along as fast as he could.

“What a weird creature,” Alice observed.

When she turned around, there was a garden of arms waving about in front of her.

“And what is that?” She said aloud in wonder.

“An arrum, sir.” A voice replied.

Then the arrums began to wank wiggly things like blue caterpillars from the garden. It happened very much in order and rhythm. Almost like an army wanking together in a march.

“Oh hell. What are they trying to do?” Alice cried out in amazement.

“That’s the standard procedure, darling. All certified by the ISO. And all safe. The blue caterpillars will soon turn into brown tree trunks.” The voice said.

But even after the arms being at it for a while, the caterpillars were still blue wriggly things and not at all brown tree trunks.

“Doesn’t seem to be working,” Alice remarked.

The voice was silent. But then it handed all the arrums very special blue pills and everything went as per the programme thereafter as they all turned into huge brown trunks.

“But I say!” Alice screamed now, “what fun without balloons and explosions?! Eh? Eh?”

A huge BAM! sounded from the sky as a Sati Enterprises truck loaded with fuel (*nudge nudge wink wink*) passed by. Bozo, who was driving it, jumped over Alice from a parachute and wheeee! Fireworks! As they flew twenty feet into the air in orange flames.

“Was this ISO certified?” Alice asked breathlessly after the balloons had laughed and the explosions were done.

“Not even visually managed, pooh!” The White Rabbit replied.

Bozo grinned.


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