Monthly Archives: September 2012

The Plenipotentiary

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18th century apparently saw the birth of a lewd seaman who juggled his oars with some touching verse-manufacturing. This raunchy personality who went by the name of Captain Charles Morris was sought among others, by the sexiest clowns of the day and King George IV of le Britannia. Between 1744 and 1838 the captain carved some highly titillating exhibits, an instance of which is provided herewith for your savoring.

The Dey of Algiers, when afraid of his ears,
A messenger sent to the Court, sir,
As he knew in our state the women had weight,
He chose one well hung for the sport, sir.
He searched the Divan till he found out a man,
Whose ballocks were heavy and hairy,
And he lately came, o’er from the Barbary shore,
As the great Plenipotentiary.

When to England he came, with his torch all aflame,
He shewed it his Hostess on landing, 
Who spread its renown thro’ all parts of the town, 
As a pintle past all understanding.
So much there was said of its snout and its head, 
That they called it the great Janissary:
Not a lady could sleep till she got a sly peep
At the great Plenipotentiary.

As he rode in the coach, how the whores did approach,
And stared as if stretched on a tenter;
He drew every eye of the dames who passed by,
Like the sun to its wonderful centre;
As he passed thru the town, not a window was down,
And the maids hurried out to the area,
The children cried- Look! there’s the man with the crook,
That’s the great Plentipotentiary.

The Penis Eaters of Khwa-ha

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Long, long ago, between the waters of Milde and Phon, there existed a slim strip of land called Khwa-ha. The people who inhabited this land were rich and prosperous. The yearly flooding of Khwa-ha provided them a finely fertile land every year where they grew rice, wheat, yam and vegetables of multiple variety to eat. However the people of Khwa-ha also had a peculiar culinary preference- which the obnoxiously elite of today’s modern society tend to deem gross- the Khwa-ha had a most notable weakness for penises.

This taste for penises was almost an obsession with the people of Khwa-ha to the extent that every Khwa-ha household had the penises of its male ancestors chopped off upon death and placed at the domestic altar for a week whereupon they were taken as sanctified blessing and cooked into a delicious meal in the kitchens. This meal was then partaken of by the Khwa-ha commune in beatific ecstasy, and commended as a symbol of extreme good taste.

The penis was not a mere bodily organ for the people of Khwa-ha, rather it held in itself immense proportions of divinity. Penises all around Khwa-ha were elevated to the position of the supremely sacred, as a result of which the people of Khwa-ha spent a lot of time thinking about penises, and their beauty of purpose. There would be days when the entire Khwa-ha community could think of nothing but penises. It has been documented that the Year of Wiener, sponsored by the Weiners, one of the oldest and most respectable families of Khwa-ha, was a particularly significant one in this respect. This year saw the capital town of Khwa-ha organise  49890 food festivals, 2379 musical concerts, 26457 conferences and seminars and 3981 incidences of self-immolation to honor the penis. The Year of Weiner also saw the installation of the first giant penis sculpture in the middle of the town square at Plo- which was soon replicated in several other cities and villages of Khwa-ha in subsequent years. A decade after this first installation, the Khwa-ha Ministry of Culture introduced a Bill in the legislature to make it compulsory for every town in Khwa-ha to install at least 200 and every Khwa-ha village to install at least 100 penis sculptures in an effort to promote art and culture, and additionally outlawed all restaurants, food joints and caterers which did not serve penises. (Sidenote: To stock the Khwa-ha kitchens with a steady supply of penises, the legislature decided to castrate all those who caused injuries to genitalia, which often resulted in mental trauma and shame for the owners of the violated genitals.) As a result, wherever the Khwa-haite stepped she was surrounded the most magnificent of penis selections. Consequently, the Khwa-ha mind and the thought of penis thus became as inseparable as well…two inseparable things. This marked the Classical Age of Khwa-ha history: the golden period of genteel breeding, sophistication and civilisation among Khwa-haites.

Tragedy however struck in the Year of The Great Flood when the great flood flooded Khwa-ha in a flash manouvre so that Khwa-ha was never to be seen again. The flood drowned all lands, destroyed the beautiful crops and most appallingly swept away all their penises. Causalities numbered in thousands, which was significant in reducing the tiny community of Khwa-ha to a tenth of its population. Mercifully, a few Khwa-haites managed to escape on boats to other firmer lands: north, south, east and west, to settle there. They intermarried with the local populations and it has been thus that their line has managed to survive among our world unto the present day.

It is notable that even upon migration to foreign lands, the people of Khwa-ha were proudly protective of their culture and ensured that Khwa-ha traditions were not forgotten in the flurry of movement. To a significant portion, this was fueled by the fact that such a lot of Khwa-haites strongly longed for the taste of penis in their new homes. However, the cultures of their adopted lands more often than  not, viewed penis communion with a perspective of disgust. So the Khwa-haites had to devise a new and a more subtle method to obtain their ration of penises.

Castration was an obvious need for the Khwa-haites for access to their daily dosage of penises; however in their new countries, castration was often severely punishable by law. But the Khwa-haites did manage to note that cases of rape and sexual violence were not less rampant here: what the people of Khwa-ha however found peculiar was that people treated injuries to the genitals with no more importance than they treated un-consented injuries to the other parts of the body. This equal treatment of something which was so sacred as the genitals was gross blasphemy to the migrants from Khwa-ha. To not view violence to genitals with absolute horror was horrifically appalling to them. This, coupled with their need for eating penises made the Khwa-ha immigrants launch a sublime yet  effective campaign to castrate all penises found guilty of sexual violence. Chemical castrations were further encouraged because it was deemed that nothing as sanctified as a penis should be subject to base instincts like a sexual drive, and a man’s brain should not be held responsible for the sins of such a tainted penis. Chemically castrated penis were viewed as the ideal penises, and were later cut off and communed with in solemn ceremonies of the Khwa-ha community. Such castration was justified in terms of trauma which the Khwa-ha mind supposed should rightly afflict the victim when her holy genitals are manipulated. This shrewd move on the part of Khwa-haites and their descendants has proved to be particularly effective, and is a fine example of the profound level of sophistication which interaction with the great Khwa-ha culture has imparted to contemporary society, and for which one is eternally grateful.