Category Archives: the history of sex

The Final Cause

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“The final cause, and heed this worthy scholars!” Aristotle proclaimed to a crowd of heeding  worthy scholars, “is what imparts meaning to sex. The merry dance of sex is ridiculous, pointless and mark ye, foul misused and corrupt! if it is not directed to fulfill the final cause, gentlemen!”

The crowd of heeding worthy scholars nodded in sympathy.

“And I ask you, you unsexed swine, what may be the final cause herein? Why was sex created and why oh why did nature enable its cloistered functioning? Only to procreate gentlemen, mark ye, only to procreate!”

It is of course a well known fact that Aristotle later died a virgin.

However three thousand years later, Bozo was accosted on the street on the following manner.

“Fucktard!” A voice shouted at him.

“You talking to me?” Bozo politely enquired of the voice.

“Of course I am. You are the one that sleeps with cacti aren’t you?”

“Oh you know me then!” Bozo smiled, all smiles. “But I am sorry to say that I haven’t had the pleasure of your aquaintance please?”

“Fucktard,” said the voice. “Servile! Blasphemous! I am …

“Ah, God?” Bozo said in some recognition.

“Of course not you fool! What do you think these are…the Dark Ages?! To think of…! I am Mother Nature!”

“By Jove!”

“Indeed. Indeed!”

“They always told me you were only made up.”

“Of course they would, wouldn’t they? The patriarchal fucktards!”

“Ah right. So um…’sup?”

“YOU are up! What are you doing! Why are you not working to fulfill my final cause!”

“Eh?”

“Cacti-human children you fool!”

“Oh right! Almost forgot!” Bozo apologised and shat the final cause. This cause was hailed by the scientific community as the final cause for the past three millenia and by real people as obscene and grotesque.

Mother Nature smiled.

The Penis Eaters of Khwa-ha

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Long, long ago, between the waters of Milde and Phon, there existed a slim strip of land called Khwa-ha. The people who inhabited this land were rich and prosperous. The yearly flooding of Khwa-ha provided them a finely fertile land every year where they grew rice, wheat, yam and vegetables of multiple variety to eat. However the people of Khwa-ha also had a peculiar culinary preference- which the obnoxiously elite of today’s modern society tend to deem gross- the Khwa-ha had a most notable weakness for penises.

This taste for penises was almost an obsession with the people of Khwa-ha to the extent that every Khwa-ha household had the penises of its male ancestors chopped off upon death and placed at the domestic altar for a week whereupon they were taken as sanctified blessing and cooked into a delicious meal in the kitchens. This meal was then partaken of by the Khwa-ha commune in beatific ecstasy, and commended as a symbol of extreme good taste.

The penis was not a mere bodily organ for the people of Khwa-ha, rather it held in itself immense proportions of divinity. Penises all around Khwa-ha were elevated to the position of the supremely sacred, as a result of which the people of Khwa-ha spent a lot of time thinking about penises, and their beauty of purpose. There would be days when the entire Khwa-ha community could think of nothing but penises. It has been documented that the Year of Wiener, sponsored by the Weiners, one of the oldest and most respectable families of Khwa-ha, was a particularly significant one in this respect. This year saw the capital town of Khwa-ha organise  49890 food festivals, 2379 musical concerts, 26457 conferences and seminars and 3981 incidences of self-immolation to honor the penis. The Year of Weiner also saw the installation of the first giant penis sculpture in the middle of the town square at Plo- which was soon replicated in several other cities and villages of Khwa-ha in subsequent years. A decade after this first installation, the Khwa-ha Ministry of Culture introduced a Bill in the legislature to make it compulsory for every town in Khwa-ha to install at least 200 and every Khwa-ha village to install at least 100 penis sculptures in an effort to promote art and culture, and additionally outlawed all restaurants, food joints and caterers which did not serve penises. (Sidenote: To stock the Khwa-ha kitchens with a steady supply of penises, the legislature decided to castrate all those who caused injuries to genitalia, which often resulted in mental trauma and shame for the owners of the violated genitals.) As a result, wherever the Khwa-haite stepped she was surrounded the most magnificent of penis selections. Consequently, the Khwa-ha mind and the thought of penis thus became as inseparable as well…two inseparable things. This marked the Classical Age of Khwa-ha history: the golden period of genteel breeding, sophistication and civilisation among Khwa-haites.

Tragedy however struck in the Year of The Great Flood when the great flood flooded Khwa-ha in a flash manouvre so that Khwa-ha was never to be seen again. The flood drowned all lands, destroyed the beautiful crops and most appallingly swept away all their penises. Causalities numbered in thousands, which was significant in reducing the tiny community of Khwa-ha to a tenth of its population. Mercifully, a few Khwa-haites managed to escape on boats to other firmer lands: north, south, east and west, to settle there. They intermarried with the local populations and it has been thus that their line has managed to survive among our world unto the present day.

It is notable that even upon migration to foreign lands, the people of Khwa-ha were proudly protective of their culture and ensured that Khwa-ha traditions were not forgotten in the flurry of movement. To a significant portion, this was fueled by the fact that such a lot of Khwa-haites strongly longed for the taste of penis in their new homes. However, the cultures of their adopted lands more often than  not, viewed penis communion with a perspective of disgust. So the Khwa-haites had to devise a new and a more subtle method to obtain their ration of penises.

Castration was an obvious need for the Khwa-haites for access to their daily dosage of penises; however in their new countries, castration was often severely punishable by law. But the Khwa-haites did manage to note that cases of rape and sexual violence were not less rampant here: what the people of Khwa-ha however found peculiar was that people treated injuries to the genitals with no more importance than they treated un-consented injuries to the other parts of the body. This equal treatment of something which was so sacred as the genitals was gross blasphemy to the migrants from Khwa-ha. To not view violence to genitals with absolute horror was horrifically appalling to them. This, coupled with their need for eating penises made the Khwa-ha immigrants launch a sublime yet  effective campaign to castrate all penises found guilty of sexual violence. Chemical castrations were further encouraged because it was deemed that nothing as sanctified as a penis should be subject to base instincts like a sexual drive, and a man’s brain should not be held responsible for the sins of such a tainted penis. Chemically castrated penis were viewed as the ideal penises, and were later cut off and communed with in solemn ceremonies of the Khwa-ha community. Such castration was justified in terms of trauma which the Khwa-ha mind supposed should rightly afflict the victim when her holy genitals are manipulated. This shrewd move on the part of Khwa-haites and their descendants has proved to be particularly effective, and is a fine example of the profound level of sophistication which interaction with the great Khwa-ha culture has imparted to contemporary society, and for which one is eternally grateful.

Sexual Creation, Part II

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The following folk story is popularly told among the sheep owned by the Elke people of southern Siberia. Read the first part of this story here.

For a thousand years, men, women and children had been careful about maintaining all dicks in the natural state. But one guy called Benthy was very bored of all this what he deemed to be “nonsense” and declared, “Fuck God! (something which got God excited at first when he heard it with his omnipresent hearing senses, but which upon the realisation of it being a metaphor disappointed him.) It was Dolly the Sheep who gave us the extraordinary power of dicks and Dolly used science and thus it is science that we must worship.” This, declared Benthy, meant being efficient. And Dolly’s design of the penis, he further declared, was not efficient enough. These declaration caused some consternation among some people who asserted that making the penis more efficient would destroy the image of God in which it was constructed, but Benthy silenced them all with the highly efficient prototype of dickism which he had developed.

This prototype, which Benthy called circumcision, was shortly disclosed under a patent for the benefit of humankind. It meant that all new-born male babies had to pay a royalty to Benthy and beg him to cut their penises open. All this was very noble. So Benthy subsequently used his royalty money to get a few unimaginative men to write a book about him called the Bible. It was a very secret, sacred book. And five hundred years later when this book finally came into the public domain, it was re-released as the brand new and wholly original Qoran, with much fanfare.

When God heard of all these developments, he wanted to unleash his wrath upon Benthy. But being a dick himself (and not a very efficient one at that either) he couldn’t do much. So he just asked Dolly to hump him to which Dolly gladly obliged, because she knew what a pain it was being a dick without any hands.

Meanwhile Bozo was prophesied to be The Prophet of the Efficient Dicks by the Very Mysterious Association of Very Important People to Promote Dickism. So when Bozo was born on the night of a beautiful lunar eclipse whereby the moon was shadowed to look like a Great Efficient Penis, seven angels descended from the Heavens to suck his dick and seventeen Magi sodomised each other simultaneously in a ring seeking Bozo’s blessings even as twenty three Kings from Faraway Lands brought twenty three mirrors for Bozo to admire his dick.

Since all these rituals were performed to the perfection, Bozo’s penis hardened and enlarged to grow up to 108 feet and stayed this way all his life and in his death and was then declared to be a religious relic (which is currently on display in one of the southern lands, where people massage it everyday with milk and ghee for Bozo’s pleasure.) In his infinite wisdom, Bozo, as the Son of Science (and Dolly the Sheep) declared that to improve the efficiency of dickism, it was important that all penises be converted into lightsabers. This, he reasoned, would improve the seeding capacity of dicks by twenty thousand times and thus give a wider spread to dickism. Reasoning was a popular trend of the time, so everyone loved the idea.

“But how, O Great Bozo?,” they asked him together. “How do we change our penises to lightsabers?”

“Easy peasy. Let There Be Light!,” Bozo boomed (God and Dolly were still at it in Heaven while Science was hard at experimenting efficiently in Dolly’s laboratory), and all penises started glowing like christmas lights and they grew larger and larger and larger till they were all lightsabers. Men ooh-ed and aah-ed in pleasure and women fainted in ecstasy. And that is why, all sheep reason wisely, a woman glows so lovely when intercoursed by a real efficient dick.

Sexual Creation, Part I

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The following folk story is popularly told among the sheep owned by the Elke people of southern Siberia.

Twenty thousand years ago, Dolly was a sheep but a very scientific sheep. She had a science laboratory built to conduct all her scientific experiments. She was in the employ of God who since the seventh day of Creation, that is the day of rest, had been suffering from a hangover and injecting too much cocaine to plan all creation by himself. So Dolly humbly did it on his behalf, as was her duty. Creation via science however is always beset with many problems and one problem that Dolly was having trouble with was the design of a penis, which was a reproductive organ that everyone worshipped. She could find little inspiration till one day God, in one of his fits of benevolence, sheared her to make a lovely sweater for himself, whereafter he whipped, slapped and rubbed his balls all over her shorn body. It was then that Dolly had her brilliant idea…since the penis was worshipped by everyone and God was worshipped by everyone, she reasoned that a penis must be designed in the image of God. Dolly was very strong at reasoning.

So she made the penis exactly in the image of God and God was very happy because he now looked exactly like a dick. When Dolly presented the design to him, as an expression of his happiness, he rubbed the penis so hard that it popped and tiny balloons floated from within it. This development made Dolly anxious but she was able to put the penis back together the way it had been. God was sorry for popping Dolly’s amazing penis and so vowed to always take extremely good care of all the dicks of the world. Consequently, he vowed to unleash his wrath upon any man, woman or child who wasn’t extremely cautious, tender and gentle around a dick because none of them can stand being offended. All men especially, he declared, who do not take their penises very seriously were in violation of the primary law of the sanctity of God (since a penis was in the image of God) and everyone who had their penises squeezed too hard, bitten, turned purple or popped would be in violation of the natural state of the penis. And because of its very long history, the natural state was very important, everyone agreed.

At first, the people of the earth were very happy because dicks were something new and thus intriguing. So they decided to humor all dicks. But soon they got bored and wanted to experiment, which is when Benthy came to their rescue.

Read the second part of the story here.