“I’m SO hyper and sexy right NOW!!!” O screamed as her mouth split wide wider wider widest wide.

“How much? How much?!” The Finnish girl implored. The Finnish girl was drunk on whiskey. Whiskey whisks people and makes them happy.

And happy things are happy, don’t you agree?

“So much so that I could fuck everyone on the planet. Fuck them nicely. Fuck them hard. Fuck them quick. And fuck them rhythmically. And fuck them in the clouds!” O yelled in ecstacy.

The Finnish girl yawned. Finnish are cold people, it has been said. But this one had asparagus growing out of her pussy which O very much wanted to eat. O has weird tastes, it has been said.

“TOGETHER!!!” O added emphatically.

“Oh now, you are making sense!” Finnish woman finnished that sentence with a huge laugh and asparagus jumped everywhere.

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!” O let out a stream of fucks and it was all fucked and Finn-girl was fucked and everyone was fucked and it was AWESOME. Like AWESOME and AWESOME. because O couldnt stop typing. and fucking. and typing. and fucking. even though it made no sense whatsoever. But sex is kind of like that. That’s what makes it AWESOME.

And then there was loud crack CRACK! and a fuse in Finn woman exploded and she jumped up hard. Asparagus everywhere! Kids were aghast but went chomp chomp anyway because clowns were ecstatic and she zwooped right into the air and through the ceiling and into everywhere.

This is what’s SO good about sex! It’s EVERYWHERE!

Now let the happiness begin!


I will not play at tug o’ war.
I’d rather play at hug o’ war.
Where everyone hugs instead of tugs,
Where everyone giggles and rolls on the rug,
Where everyone kisses,
and everyone grins,
and everyone cuddles,
and everyone wins.

Shel Silverstein

Hug O’ War




Hers was slippery. Smooth. Like fibre. Plastic?

Plastic doesn’t sound good when you use the word. It is supposed to denote fake and the distasteful. I liked her plastic body. Because in it there was no pretence. She did not try to be real. Her fakeness was erotic.

I rubbed my hand over her fins. Lightly at first. Feeling the water drip from it. Then hard, pressing against it. Feeling the smooth plastic produce friction against my hand. Heat. Warmth. I let my legs dangle in the water. Bare legs. She sensed my longing and moved closer. She was swimming upright. Like a buoy. And her mouth smiled. Cute, I thought. I rubbed my feet against her back. Hard. The water in between my feet and her back made a sound against the plastic. Elastic, plastic. I thought. She looked happy because her mouth curved. She nuzzled her nose in between my legs. I stroked her head. She let her tongue slide over my shorts. Over the crotch.

It was time, I thought. I jumped into the ocean. No one noticed. The boat moved on with the little islands which sailed it. I was sucked into a whirlpool with her. It was blue, very blue. Her tummy was soft and supple. Not plastic. I touched it rubbing . I think she laughed. A balalaika played somewhere. Drawing closer. Fast. With a noisy chirpy accordion. And jolly. Very jolly. The mood was festive. Several others circled around us and watched us dance. I was flying in the blue water. I kissed her on her mouth. Like an understanding mother, she drew her fins about me hugging me tight and I felt her tongue curling about mine.

The Showers Today, They Be Golden


Doo-dloo-doo-doo-doo Doo-dloo-doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-dloo-doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-dloo-doo-doo-doo-doo…

I’m peeeeeeeeeeeeing in the rain

Just peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeing in the raaaain

What a glorious feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelin’

I’m haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappy again

Laughing with your smelly pout

So staaaaaaaaaaark up aboveeee

My mouth’s on your tart

And I’m reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaady for looooooooooove

Let revulsion chase

Everyone from the place

Come on with yooooour raaaaaaaaain

I’ve a smiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiile on my faaaaaaaaaaaaace

For it waaaaaaaaalks dowwwwn my laaaaaaaaaane

With a haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappy refraaaaaaaaaain

Just peeing, peeeeeeeeeeeeeing with your rain…

The Plenipotentiary


18th century apparently saw the birth of a lewd seaman who juggled his oars with some touching verse-manufacturing. This raunchy personality who went by the name of Captain Charles Morris was sought among others, by the sexiest clowns of the day and King George IV of le Britannia. Between 1744 and 1838 the captain carved some highly titillating exhibits, an instance of which is provided herewith for your savoring.

The Dey of Algiers, when afraid of his ears,
A messenger sent to the Court, sir,
As he knew in our state the women had weight,
He chose one well hung for the sport, sir.
He searched the Divan till he found out a man,
Whose ballocks were heavy and hairy,
And he lately came, o’er from the Barbary shore,
As the great Plenipotentiary.

When to England he came, with his torch all aflame,
He shewed it his Hostess on landing, 
Who spread its renown thro’ all parts of the town, 
As a pintle past all understanding.
So much there was said of its snout and its head, 
That they called it the great Janissary:
Not a lady could sleep till she got a sly peep
At the great Plenipotentiary.

As he rode in the coach, how the whores did approach,
And stared as if stretched on a tenter;
He drew every eye of the dames who passed by,
Like the sun to its wonderful centre;
As he passed thru the town, not a window was down,
And the maids hurried out to the area,
The children cried- Look! there’s the man with the crook,
That’s the great Plentipotentiary.