Tag Archives: absurd

The Cake Song for Sex Maniacs

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That night he turned into a lemon honey cake. Now, lemon honey cakes are the best in the erotic sense because they don’t make much sense. “Lemon and honey? Together? In a cake? Whaaaaaaaaa-?,” the very sensible Mrs. P was rendered aghast when it was suggested to her.

But he dripped honey and lemon in a dangerous mix on the white plate upon which he was served. Honey is golden and made by bees while lemon grows on trees. All fine till there, but as early alchemists found out, the combination is potent. Especially when put in a cake. And poked with a fork.

She had a fork. With four pointy ends. A trident has only three. So, as rightly pointed out by the saffron brigade, forks are infinitely more violent. She held it in her right hand while moodily considering whether to poke or not. The sky was blue and windy outside, so she decided to lick it first.

Those who have turned into lemon honey cakes need a fair amount of attention. They are like tiny babies who need to be picked up and loved and loved and loved all over till one swallows them. This is not a normative prescription, but rather, an empirical observation.

She pressed down upon him with her tongue. Lemon ooozed out in a happy flow from the perforations in the cake. She let her tongue slide into one of the perforations, tasting the sweetness of the more viscous honey which would not flow out so easy.

“Ooh that hurts.” The cake begged.

She was feeling kindly so she stopped and kissed the cake smelling the lovely lemon honey aroma. A couple of minutes later though she was bored of being kind and decided to plunge her fork into the cake.

Thunder! Lightening! etc. etc. Then rain sweet rain. Rain smells the best.

“This blog is turning into nothing but a cheap collection of eyebrow-raisable euphemisms.” Someone remarked on the street.

“Oh, I’m a bit confused actually. Is this a food blog or a sex blog?” His mate asked.

“For clowns, there is not much of a difference really.” Bozo assured them before cartwheeling along till the 4th Cross on the street.

O’s Woes, Part II

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The following is a distressing sexual tale, the first part of which is available here. Please use caution while reading it.

The plan was to make O chew paper and make green fairies come out of her mouth. Green fairies are a signal for “Go” like green traffic lights, so it’s like God giving the people with penises permission to risk bruising theirs with large teeth. But walruses were highly offended by this whole plan and initiated several effective campaigns via the internet like STOP PAPERCHEWING FOR BLOWJOBS 2017 and this created a lot of outrage among American citizens while the British placidly ate their scones and jam and sipped their tea. The American citizens, unlike their British counterparts however were very concerned about walruses and invaded several nation-States in the middle East to make sure that the rights of walruses are protected.

This however did not help O much who was still waiting with her O mouth to attempt blowjobs but now no one was very keen to come to her as they feared they might be accused of carrying weapons of mass destruction. Which they very well were. *nudge nudge wink wink*

Meanwhile O cried the whole day and tears entered her mouth when there was other stuff worthy of being placed there.

But O’s cries were heard. Her fairy godmother appeared and asked O to get two pumpkins. O got her the largest and the juiciest pumpkins from the garden and the fairy godmother waved her wand, and lo! The pumpkin turned into huge breasts and O had the biggest boobs anyone had ever imagined about. However it seems that the fairy godmother was not very well-acquainted with the laws of physics, so that O promptly toppled over as soon as her big boobs appeared owing to her center of gravity being radically displaced from between her legs. The fairy godmother, unable to figure out the problem, left O in her predicament anyways, excusing herself by saying that she had the Fairy Godfather’s Looking for Fairy Godmother’s Ball to attend to.

So O lay there on the grey cobblestoned floor in the dark with her O mouth and her huge boobs, unable to get up. Several women passed by and were secretly jealous of O’s assets as they fanned themselves with their very expensive fans. But O cried and cried because it was shameful lying there like that and because it made the deep-running scars of her rapeful humiliation come alive and they seared like deep trident shaped penises in her vagina.

In the meantime, the penises had been deliberating about what to do what with their people being so scared about being accused of carrying weapons of mass destruction and such. Many of them decided to detach themselves and enter O’s mouth, what the hell. So suddenly O found her mouth stuffed with forty thousand happy penises that oohed and aahed as she lay on the ground. But being the greedy bitch that she was O wanted more and more and more so she opened her mouth wider and wider and wider till it actually collapsed on itself and became a black hole. But this was a very special black hole as it sucked only penises in. But many religious penises, well-acquainted with the concept of sin were distressed about this and decided to become pansies instead. This saved them from being sucked in.

However O was becoming a great danger to all people with penises and all people without penises too, for if she took all pansies penises for herself, what would be left for the others? “Take what you need, leave some for the others,” the wall of Mr. T’s vineyard said. But O did not seem to grasp this concept.  This became a matter of huge concern and everyone decided that something must be done about this.

Many great minds occupied themselves with this problem and it was finally agreed that O’s penal appetite could be satisfied only by creating a giant penis and stuffing it into her O mouth. A planet called M was commmissioned for carrying out this task. The planetary soil was fertilised with the relevant fertilisers to make it fertile for growing penises. The plan was to fuse these penises together to create the giant penis. However things went terribly wrong during the transplantation and some of the penises, aware of what they were being grown for, decided to rebel, asserting that they had a right to decide which mouth to go into, and not just any mouth, even if it was very O. Planet M was soon overrun by penises carrying forks, knives and scythes. Since these penises were not fully grown yet, and were the warrior kinds…poking themselves with sharp things when no one else was, they gradually came to be known as sissies.

Meanwhile O’s black hole *nudge nudge wink wink* was gagging with sucking so many penises together and her face was turning purple while her eyes popped out. Her seksual pleasure was heightened to a single point of light and she died a booful death.

The headstone of her grave reads nothing because O evaporated in the heat produced by the friction of all the penises. A whory life, some people accuse, and O rightfully wails while being shamefully fucked in the fires of hell. Beware, tell mothers to their little children, of what O did, and the children listen carefully even while Beelzebub laughs in delight while watching O give beautiful blowjobs. “A despicable fate…Tut-tut,” he pronounces as he gets a hard-on.

O’s Woes, Part I

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The following is a distressing sexual tale. Please use caution while reading it. 

O had a very O mouth. This means her mouth was shaped like an O. Like a goldfish. Though I have no clue why they say O like a goldfish- I suppose goldfish in a small round aquarium come to the glass walls and press their mouths against it so that it looks like an O- anyhow it is a valid expression. So yeah, O’s mouth was very O. She could never close it. It was always open like an open O.

Now like all things, this has several advantages and disadvantages. Sometimes flies and such would get inside her mouth and she had to flail around her tongue helplessly till they got out and even then she could not close her mouth. But on the other hand, of course it was perfect for giving blowjobs. One just had to slip one’s penis in.

Only, there was a slight glitch.

O had very large teeth. Not quite as large a rabbit but larger than a wooly mammoth. Now you may ask how that is possible, so well let’s say O had been raped twenty seven years before in the dead of the night by a dirty rapist with a six inch steel knife and the scars of her rapeful humiliation still carried on and made her do six impossible things before breakfast and seventeen later. The psychological impact on a rape victim is shatteringly permanent, as has been well-established, so pretty much anything is possible.

Now as you might know, large teeth while giving a blowjob are highly hindering because people with penises do not want their penises hurt with teeth or such for like the Elke people’s sheep say, they might be then be hit upon by the dreadful wrath of God, and who wants to risk that? Nevertheless the sight of O’s O mouth was too arousing for too many people with penises to resist it, and so they came up with a plan. 

…to be continued

The God of Small Thingies, Part I | A Very Sad Town

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The following text entails a very elusive and much sought-after erotic fable from south Asia. The telling of this fable in a single session is considered to be a very strong, and sometimes even fatal, aphrodisiac in these parts. Owing to its highly addictive nature, it has been known to cause several deaths due to uncontrolled consumption among the very sexy clowns of the monsooned forests of southern India, located in south Asia. Hence, having careful consideration of your safety and welfare, this erotic fable is brought to you in four parts.

Monsoon came to Ayemenem slow and drowsy, turning skies gray. It expanded the cupboards and shriveled the thingies. This made men sad and women nutty. Some people thought of replacing the thingies with coconuts. But most people disliked coconuts because they were always kinda huge and hard and that can be painful (as had been proven by Priapus 3,000 years ago.)

The temple elephant was seeing the worst of it. Being an elephant, one expects to have a big thingy. But his had shriveled up to the size of a small date. And since elephants do not wear pants, all the lady elephants knew about his tiny thingy and he had to go without a date for several weeks.

At nights, a voyeur walking through Ayemenem could expect to see the women performing a ritual to boost the men’s morales in every house. This ritual consisted of the women struggling with a microscope to locate their husband’s thingies. The ritual, in itself, was quite challenging because microscopes, though very precise and scientific instruments, are quite unwieldy. However it did help to some extent because seeing an enlarged image of a small thingy under a convex glass lens turned the women on, and their moaning gave their husbands a sense of accomplishment of highly engorged proportions. Proportions that their thingies never achieved. Nevertheless, monsoon was a dry season that year in Ayemenem. If you know what I mean.

Meanwhile, the local police superintendent tapped women’s breasts with his baton. Like they were watermelons. “Tap-tap.” But knowing of the tiny predicament of the police superintendent’s thingy, the women’s breasts were sexually deroused and decided to actually turn into watermelons rather than be just a likeness of the same. This was too sad because these watermelons were soon devoured by the numerous insects and larvae which thrive in the romance of the monsoons.

Ayemenem was reduced to a lifeless town of shriveled thingies and half-eaten watermelons. Black watermelon seeds sometimes flew out of the blue around the town from the insects having spat them. It was only insects who did all the seeding that year in Ayemenem. If you know what I mean.

The horridness and humiliation of having a small thingy was devastating. The suicide rate in Ayemenem rose drastically in a matter of days. The markets were flooded with Viagra (which was not helping much) and the little river in Ayemenem with corpses of men who had finally resigned to having a small thingy and women who suffered the humiliation of their men with them.

The government was very concerned about the situation. It felt helpless in the face of such a great calamity as had riddled the town of Ayemenem. It wailed for help frantically here and there. Finally some Enlightened people realised that this great calamity which loomed over Ayemenem like a huge loom from the days of the Industrial Revolution, was nothing but the result of centuries of oppression of the masses. These people decided to come to the rescue of the government by donning red flags, banners and stuff. They called themselves communists.

…to be continued.

Sexual Creation, Part II

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The following folk story is popularly told among the sheep owned by the Elke people of southern Siberia. Read the first part of this story here.

For a thousand years, men, women and children had been careful about maintaining all dicks in the natural state. But one guy called Benthy was very bored of all this what he deemed to be “nonsense” and declared, “Fuck God! (something which got God excited at first when he heard it with his omnipresent hearing senses, but which upon the realisation of it being a metaphor disappointed him.) It was Dolly the Sheep who gave us the extraordinary power of dicks and Dolly used science and thus it is science that we must worship.” This, declared Benthy, meant being efficient. And Dolly’s design of the penis, he further declared, was not efficient enough. These declaration caused some consternation among some people who asserted that making the penis more efficient would destroy the image of God in which it was constructed, but Benthy silenced them all with the highly efficient prototype of dickism which he had developed.

This prototype, which Benthy called circumcision, was shortly disclosed under a patent for the benefit of humankind. It meant that all new-born male babies had to pay a royalty to Benthy and beg him to cut their penises open. All this was very noble. So Benthy subsequently used his royalty money to get a few unimaginative men to write a book about him called the Bible. It was a very secret, sacred book. And five hundred years later when this book finally came into the public domain, it was re-released as the brand new and wholly original Qoran, with much fanfare.

When God heard of all these developments, he wanted to unleash his wrath upon Benthy. But being a dick himself (and not a very efficient one at that either) he couldn’t do much. So he just asked Dolly to hump him to which Dolly gladly obliged, because she knew what a pain it was being a dick without any hands.

Meanwhile Bozo was prophesied to be The Prophet of the Efficient Dicks by the Very Mysterious Association of Very Important People to Promote Dickism. So when Bozo was born on the night of a beautiful lunar eclipse whereby the moon was shadowed to look like a Great Efficient Penis, seven angels descended from the Heavens to suck his dick and seventeen Magi sodomised each other simultaneously in a ring seeking Bozo’s blessings even as twenty three Kings from Faraway Lands brought twenty three mirrors for Bozo to admire his dick.

Since all these rituals were performed to the perfection, Bozo’s penis hardened and enlarged to grow up to 108 feet and stayed this way all his life and in his death and was then declared to be a religious relic (which is currently on display in one of the southern lands, where people massage it everyday with milk and ghee for Bozo’s pleasure.) In his infinite wisdom, Bozo, as the Son of Science (and Dolly the Sheep) declared that to improve the efficiency of dickism, it was important that all penises be converted into lightsabers. This, he reasoned, would improve the seeding capacity of dicks by twenty thousand times and thus give a wider spread to dickism. Reasoning was a popular trend of the time, so everyone loved the idea.

“But how, O Great Bozo?,” they asked him together. “How do we change our penises to lightsabers?”

“Easy peasy. Let There Be Light!,” Bozo boomed (God and Dolly were still at it in Heaven while Science was hard at experimenting efficiently in Dolly’s laboratory), and all penises started glowing like christmas lights and they grew larger and larger and larger till they were all lightsabers. Men ooh-ed and aah-ed in pleasure and women fainted in ecstasy. And that is why, all sheep reason wisely, a woman glows so lovely when intercoursed by a real efficient dick.

A Dirty Story

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Caution: The following story does not easily get to the point of touch because it was told by a girl and girls need the right setting  for producing oxytocin (as proven by The Scientific American).

 

One day I met a clown. He had strange blue gray eyes- dead like a fish, and he was very tired lugging his baggage. He asked me if I cared for some weed. I said ok. Then he asked me to massage his back because he was so tired. I tried but he said, “That’s awful!” and that I did not know anything. So I dropped a torch on his head and he howled. Then he tied me up and said that I ought to be beaten up and got a big stick. I struggled but he slapped me anyways and said it was nice to see me struggling and that it was funner than smoking weed. So that’s what he did and I thought it was very droll. Then he drew some on me and it sparkled. It sparkled and sparkled- blue, red and golden, till the police came up along with the goat-woman and asked us what we were doing. I said, “Making bombs,” and he colored their faces with a permanent marker and then we ran away.

 

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Sexual Creation, Part I

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The following folk story is popularly told among the sheep owned by the Elke people of southern Siberia.

Twenty thousand years ago, Dolly was a sheep but a very scientific sheep. She had a science laboratory built to conduct all her scientific experiments. She was in the employ of God who since the seventh day of Creation, that is the day of rest, had been suffering from a hangover and injecting too much cocaine to plan all creation by himself. So Dolly humbly did it on his behalf, as was her duty. Creation via science however is always beset with many problems and one problem that Dolly was having trouble with was the design of a penis, which was a reproductive organ that everyone worshipped. She could find little inspiration till one day God, in one of his fits of benevolence, sheared her to make a lovely sweater for himself, whereafter he whipped, slapped and rubbed his balls all over her shorn body. It was then that Dolly had her brilliant idea…since the penis was worshipped by everyone and God was worshipped by everyone, she reasoned that a penis must be designed in the image of God. Dolly was very strong at reasoning.

So she made the penis exactly in the image of God and God was very happy because he now looked exactly like a dick. When Dolly presented the design to him, as an expression of his happiness, he rubbed the penis so hard that it popped and tiny balloons floated from within it. This development made Dolly anxious but she was able to put the penis back together the way it had been. God was sorry for popping Dolly’s amazing penis and so vowed to always take extremely good care of all the dicks of the world. Consequently, he vowed to unleash his wrath upon any man, woman or child who wasn’t extremely cautious, tender and gentle around a dick because none of them can stand being offended. All men especially, he declared, who do not take their penises very seriously were in violation of the primary law of the sanctity of God (since a penis was in the image of God) and everyone who had their penises squeezed too hard, bitten, turned purple or popped would be in violation of the natural state of the penis. And because of its very long history, the natural state was very important, everyone agreed.

At first, the people of the earth were very happy because dicks were something new and thus intriguing. So they decided to humor all dicks. But soon they got bored and wanted to experiment, which is when Benthy came to their rescue.

Read the second part of the story here.