Tag Archives: bozo

A Beginner’s Guide to How to Love It to Bits

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Bozo practised sex on a dancing doll. This requires quite a formidable set of skills. Mostly because the doll is never still. Bozo’s skills on the other hand, were not so formidable.

The doll wriggled and slipped everywhere. She was slippery. As slippery as a fish. As slippery as a fish taken by its tail and beaten on your face. Mhm?

“Enough! Enough! Enough of this nonsense!”, Bozo screamed, his very colourful nose askew. “I am an elephant and I will not tolerate such indignity!,” he declared.

He snatched the bottle from the side table and broke it over his head. “Mmmm.” He was woozy now, and woozy is always good because woozy makes everything oozy, which means that stuff can now flow out more easily. Though little known, this in fact, has been one of the most important scientific discoveries of the last century.

Bozo practised sex on a set of dancing balls. This requires quite a formidable set of skills. Mostly because the balls are never still. Bozo’s skills on the other hand, were not so formidable.

The balls were kind of cool and slipped everywhere. They were slippery. And chewey. Chewey slippery chewing gum. Mhm?

“Enough! Enough! Enough of this slipperiness!”, Bozo screamed, his very colourful nose askew. “I am an giraffe and I will not tolerate such fluids!,” he declared.

He snatched the flower from the side table and gobbled it with his tongue. “Mmmm.” He was woozy now, and woozy is always good because woozy makes everything oozy, which means that stuff can now flow out more easily. Though little known, this in fact, has been one of the most important scientific discoveries of the last century.

One ball moved slightly. Slowly. And hit something feathery. Down feathery, not flight feathery.

Then the whole house blew up. Ka-boom! Mushroom clouds, dancing dolls, crazy trolls. Orange strains, strewn brains, fluid rains. Everything ever made was blown up to bits.

Tits.

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Sexual Creation, Part II

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The following folk story is popularly told among the sheep owned by the Elke people of southern Siberia. Read the first part of this story here.

For a thousand years, men, women and children had been careful about maintaining all dicks in the natural state. But one guy called Benthy was very bored of all this what he deemed to be “nonsense” and declared, “Fuck God! (something which got God excited at first when he heard it with his omnipresent hearing senses, but which upon the realisation of it being a metaphor disappointed him.) It was Dolly the Sheep who gave us the extraordinary power of dicks and Dolly used science and thus it is science that we must worship.” This, declared Benthy, meant being efficient. And Dolly’s design of the penis, he further declared, was not efficient enough. These declaration caused some consternation among some people who asserted that making the penis more efficient would destroy the image of God in which it was constructed, but Benthy silenced them all with the highly efficient prototype of dickism which he had developed.

This prototype, which Benthy called circumcision, was shortly disclosed under a patent for the benefit of humankind. It meant that all new-born male babies had to pay a royalty to Benthy and beg him to cut their penises open. All this was very noble. So Benthy subsequently used his royalty money to get a few unimaginative men to write a book about him called the Bible. It was a very secret, sacred book. And five hundred years later when this book finally came into the public domain, it was re-released as the brand new and wholly original Qoran, with much fanfare.

When God heard of all these developments, he wanted to unleash his wrath upon Benthy. But being a dick himself (and not a very efficient one at that either) he couldn’t do much. So he just asked Dolly to hump him to which Dolly gladly obliged, because she knew what a pain it was being a dick without any hands.

Meanwhile Bozo was prophesied to be The Prophet of the Efficient Dicks by the Very Mysterious Association of Very Important People to Promote Dickism. So when Bozo was born on the night of a beautiful lunar eclipse whereby the moon was shadowed to look like a Great Efficient Penis, seven angels descended from the Heavens to suck his dick and seventeen Magi sodomised each other simultaneously in a ring seeking Bozo’s blessings even as twenty three Kings from Faraway Lands brought twenty three mirrors for Bozo to admire his dick.

Since all these rituals were performed to the perfection, Bozo’s penis hardened and enlarged to grow up to 108 feet and stayed this way all his life and in his death and was then declared to be a religious relic (which is currently on display in one of the southern lands, where people massage it everyday with milk and ghee for Bozo’s pleasure.) In his infinite wisdom, Bozo, as the Son of Science (and Dolly the Sheep) declared that to improve the efficiency of dickism, it was important that all penises be converted into lightsabers. This, he reasoned, would improve the seeding capacity of dicks by twenty thousand times and thus give a wider spread to dickism. Reasoning was a popular trend of the time, so everyone loved the idea.

“But how, O Great Bozo?,” they asked him together. “How do we change our penises to lightsabers?”

“Easy peasy. Let There Be Light!,” Bozo boomed (God and Dolly were still at it in Heaven while Science was hard at experimenting efficiently in Dolly’s laboratory), and all penises started glowing like christmas lights and they grew larger and larger and larger till they were all lightsabers. Men ooh-ed and aah-ed in pleasure and women fainted in ecstasy. And that is why, all sheep reason wisely, a woman glows so lovely when intercoursed by a real efficient dick.

The King of Rainbow Pussies

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When Bozo woke up that morning, he realized that he needed rainbow pussies. And lots of them. The regular brown ones just irked or disgusted him. The even-toned ones were no good either. What he really needed were those multi-coloured rainbow pussies which would produce white light through a prism. That’d really give him a boner unlike all the wrong ones which the circus women had.

So he went to find a woman with a rainbow pussy. But whenever he asked women if they had a rainbow pussy, they would burst our crying and run away and their tears would leave a puddle on the road. Bozo would then pick his cherry nose and move on. Women were hard to understand.

La la la la la, Bozo was singing on his way. And when he was on the road with the hill with a tree around the turn, he found a rainbow pussy. It mewed when it saw him. It had a mirror for a head and a shiny silver body, which beckoned him nearer as it smacked its butt with its lovely crystal hands as the mirror reflected all the rainbow colours. Bozo thought it was very sexy.

The pussy mewed once again. Bozo was getting a major hard-on now. But being the true gentleman that he was, he thought he would satisfy the needs of the pussy first.

Now, Bozo had read up a lot on the needs of the pussy in a very authoritative scientific journal. And it was a very good and scientific journal because it was so authoritative. Each one was extensively cited and well-researched on empirical data. It was obvious that it would be good. He had read that a pussy needs rubbing. So he went on rubbing and rubbing till the rainbow grew larger and larger and the pussy screamed all her mews. Bozo could see himself hard at work in the mirror face and this made him groan in pleasure.

Finally after a lot of rubbing, a genie appeared out of the rainbow pussy. “I have been trapped in this hairy, smelly, floppy pussy for 12 million years, simply because no one till now has found the right way to rub it. You, obviously read the How To- guides on the right way of rubbing a pussy, which has at last released me. So i will grant you three wishes.”

Bozo was excited.

“Your first wish is that all pussies in the world turn rainbow from the various stupid colours they are,” the genie said. The genie was a very omnipotent genie, so he knew everything that Bozo wanted already.

Boom! There was a small sulphur explosion and Bozo’s wish came true. Bozo checked on a little girl passing on the road to make sure and she squealed with joy when she saw her rainbow pussy. Clean and Dry Intimate Wash then started an aggressive ad campaign to make rainbow pussies the perfect shade of rainbow. It created a lot of money and sexually satisfied people.

“Your second wish is that you grow a dick where nose is,” the genie continued.

The cherry nose exploded and a huge penis appeared in its place, swaying to gravity. Bozo now looked like a sexy anteater. As he admired himself, the rainbow pussy with the mirror face thought he was very hot and thanked Bozo over and over.

“And here’s your third wish…your lifetime supply of Viagra, so you’re never important impotent.” The genie finally said as he poofed and vanished. A mountain of neatly packed cartons appeared next to the hill with a neon sign with huge letters saying, “FREE VIAGRA HERE!”

Bozo was thus the King of Rainbow Pussies forever and for a while which really meant he was the King of all Pussies, which slobbered and mewed over him all the time. Although seven years later, he found out that a lifetime supply doesn’t really mean supply for a lifetime even as lifetime imprisonment does mean prison for a lifetime. But the genie had it printed in very small letters the terms and conditions of the wishes, so rightfully Bozo should not have complained about that. But that is another dirty story.