Tag Archives: clown

Spin, Spin, Spin, M’lady!

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She skipped three long skips and jumped as she neared where he was standing so that her lips triggered the production of adrenaliney glue which glued them to his. This went for a while till the earth was spinning very very fast and they knew it only because they realised they were no longer held by gravity.

Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, Rolly had said as he had activated the motors, so that she was spinning all around him with glue providing the relevant centripetal force. The rotor of a helicopter was thusly discovered as physicists cheered. Some feminists had had a problem with this, but whoever listens to them? Soon the rotational motion had started building up a momentum, which made them spin faster and faster faster till they were seventeen inches above the floor. Together they rose farther and farther- even as she spinned around him- further and further above through the ceiling, through the neighbour’s floor, through the hole in ozone layer, and far far away into outer space. And they kept spinning till they had birthed twenty million more galaxies. When galaxies are so spun, God is happy in His Heaven, and all’s right with the world.

They woke up hot and dizzy… back on earth, with numerous cuts and bruises. The world here was sharp.

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From the Land of Explosions

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Whilst crossing through Iceland, her eye caught a strange fixture in several shops. High Quality Condom from the Land of Explosions, it proclaimed. The mere sight of this packet of contraceptives made her go all crazy compelling her to explode in closely-timed tiny explosions of silver and pink. Phut! Phut! Phut! Phut!, she went. Then she grabbed the next person with a rainbow on the head and was seized by a mad desire to break the ice with the whole universe all at the same time!

“I have said this before and I will say it again”, she gasped between smiles which made 17 muscles in her jaw hurt. “Iceland is a best country full of sexy clowns!”

“Tut, tut,” Ramdev spake from a country afar. “Didn’t I say sex-ed makes you wanna do it? This is sheer degradation of our women I say!”

“Nature- shmature…skamoosh!,” agreed a BJP MLA while perusing enlightenment in the Legislature.

“Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” She was riding the top of an aeroplane and crying out pure, untainted joy all this while.

Life, Universe and Penis

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“On life, universe and everything, I will say this,” remarked The Great Ababa to Bozo one day, “It’s all in your penis.”

The Great Ababa was the great sexual mystic who had lived for twelve thousand years under the water forking fish. This enterprise, aggressively funded by the WHO, had been undertaken to examine the role of inter-species sexual drive in the process of evolution. Many times, Darwinian fables say, it has been found that while genetic variation produces an improved survival soldier version of the species, it also results in “a most unnatural sexual fervour” towards species of the lower order. It was said of The Great Ababa that he had had a writhing vision one night: Red herrings commanding him to explore the abovementioned irregularity in natural inclinations towards fornication, upon which he had jumped out of bed and exclaimed, “Carp(e) diem!” just before going to the nearest river and swimming upstream for well, the fish. This was only necessary as his research method was indeed very empirical: “You cannot know it unless you have experienced it,” being his personal motto.

Coming back to The Great Ababa’s remark: “Oh! I thought it was all in my head!,” Bozo responded to it with some surprise.

“Oh Bozey! So they say, so they say.” The Great Ababa sighed. “Descartes has exploited us far too long with his heady philosophy, it’s now time for Fuckartes to take over!”

“Fuck a cart? Brilliant! Nothing is beyond you, O Great Ababa!” Bozo looked at The Great Ababa in wonderment.

“Fuckartes, my dear! Fuckartes!…the art of fucking! And the only true way of knowing life, universe and everything!”

Bozo eyes grew rounder and rounder. This was all too exciting. “I am now beginning to get what you mean by it is all in the penis,” he said.

“Yes Bozo. But don’t let that make your penis too important! Because who wants to know life, universe ane the other shit anyways?”

“Uh, don’t you?” Bozo asked with some uncertainty.

“My dear sexy clown, after forking seventy gazillion fish in a span of twelve thousand years, I think I have known enough shit. That’s why I decided to chop my penis and eat it for dinner yesterday.”

“Wow, isn’t that illegal?”

“Yeah yeah blah, but I was just a bit tired of the whole thing you know? I’ve had my time, fish everywhere are grateful, conservationists are happy and the Nessi monster wrote to me the other day to thank me for the kids. But you Bozo! You!” The Great Ababa emphasised, “YOU have your entire penis in front of you. Why not do something about it?”

Bozo then noticed that his entire penis was indeed in front of him. It was dancing about naked.

“But how to go about it huh? How to go about penising life, universe and everything, O Great Ababa?” Bozo posed the problem.

“Look it’s like this, sexy clown. Think of life and universe as a great big jigsaw puzzle to be put together. And you’re a part of the puzzle. But more emphatically, your penis is a BIG part of the puzzle which your life is.”

Bozo nodded vigorously taking it all in.

“To really know life, universe and everything therefore, Bozo, you must find where your penis fits in the great picture. Where does it stand, eh? And when will it? You must discover theee!”

And so Bozo set out to discover life, universe and everything in his penis.

to be continued

A Beginner’s Guide to How to Love It to Bits

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Bozo practised sex on a dancing doll. This requires quite a formidable set of skills. Mostly because the doll is never still. Bozo’s skills on the other hand, were not so formidable.

The doll wriggled and slipped everywhere. She was slippery. As slippery as a fish. As slippery as a fish taken by its tail and beaten on your face. Mhm?

“Enough! Enough! Enough of this nonsense!”, Bozo screamed, his very colourful nose askew. “I am an elephant and I will not tolerate such indignity!,” he declared.

He snatched the bottle from the side table and broke it over his head. “Mmmm.” He was woozy now, and woozy is always good because woozy makes everything oozy, which means that stuff can now flow out more easily. Though little known, this in fact, has been one of the most important scientific discoveries of the last century.

Bozo practised sex on a set of dancing balls. This requires quite a formidable set of skills. Mostly because the balls are never still. Bozo’s skills on the other hand, were not so formidable.

The balls were kind of cool and slipped everywhere. They were slippery. And chewey. Chewey slippery chewing gum. Mhm?

“Enough! Enough! Enough of this slipperiness!”, Bozo screamed, his very colourful nose askew. “I am an giraffe and I will not tolerate such fluids!,” he declared.

He snatched the flower from the side table and gobbled it with his tongue. “Mmmm.” He was woozy now, and woozy is always good because woozy makes everything oozy, which means that stuff can now flow out more easily. Though little known, this in fact, has been one of the most important scientific discoveries of the last century.

One ball moved slightly. Slowly. And hit something feathery. Down feathery, not flight feathery.

Then the whole house blew up. Ka-boom! Mushroom clouds, dancing dolls, crazy trolls. Orange strains, strewn brains, fluid rains. Everything ever made was blown up to bits.

Tits.

A Dirty Story

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Caution: The following story does not easily get to the point of touch because it was told by a girl and girls need the right setting  for producing oxytocin (as proven by The Scientific American).

 

One day I met a clown. He had strange blue gray eyes- dead like a fish, and he was very tired lugging his baggage. He asked me if I cared for some weed. I said ok. Then he asked me to massage his back because he was so tired. I tried but he said, “That’s awful!” and that I did not know anything. So I dropped a torch on his head and he howled. Then he tied me up and said that I ought to be beaten up and got a big stick. I struggled but he slapped me anyways and said it was nice to see me struggling and that it was funner than smoking weed. So that’s what he did and I thought it was very droll. Then he drew some on me and it sparkled. It sparkled and sparkled- blue, red and golden, till the police came up along with the goat-woman and asked us what we were doing. I said, “Making bombs,” and he colored their faces with a permanent marker and then we ran away.

 

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