Tag Archives: clowns

And you’re spoilt for choice…

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That’s some star handling of some clown condom!

(applause)

But what’s the use in a world without porn

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The Cake Song for Sex Maniacs

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That night he turned into a lemon honey cake. Now, lemon honey cakes are the best in the erotic sense because they don’t make much sense. “Lemon and honey? Together? In a cake? Whaaaaaaaaa-?,” the very sensible Mrs. P was rendered aghast when it was suggested to her.

But he dripped honey and lemon in a dangerous mix on the white plate upon which he was served. Honey is golden and made by bees while lemon grows on trees. All fine till there, but as early alchemists found out, the combination is potent. Especially when put in a cake. And poked with a fork.

She had a fork. With four pointy ends. A trident has only three. So, as rightly pointed out by the saffron brigade, forks are infinitely more violent. She held it in her right hand while moodily considering whether to poke or not. The sky was blue and windy outside, so she decided to lick it first.

Those who have turned into lemon honey cakes need a fair amount of attention. They are like tiny babies who need to be picked up and loved and loved and loved all over till one swallows them. This is not a normative prescription, but rather, an empirical observation.

She pressed down upon him with her tongue. Lemon ooozed out in a happy flow from the perforations in the cake. She let her tongue slide into one of the perforations, tasting the sweetness of the more viscous honey which would not flow out so easy.

“Ooh that hurts.” The cake begged.

She was feeling kindly so she stopped and kissed the cake smelling the lovely lemon honey aroma. A couple of minutes later though she was bored of being kind and decided to plunge her fork into the cake.

Thunder! Lightening! etc. etc. Then rain sweet rain. Rain smells the best.

“This blog is turning into nothing but a cheap collection of eyebrow-raisable euphemisms.” Someone remarked on the street.

“Oh, I’m a bit confused actually. Is this a food blog or a sex blog?” His mate asked.

“For clowns, there is not much of a difference really.” Bozo assured them before cartwheeling along till the 4th Cross on the street.

Fast kisses

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Fast kisses, fast kisses
It’s a race, it’s a race!
Fast kisses, fast kisses
Or you fall from grace, you fall from grace!
Why you no follow my instruktions?
Why you no keep the time?
Why you no go on with the beat?
Why you no be mine?

Fast kisses, fast kisses
Go breathless, go reckless
Fast kisses, fast kisses
Bury your tongue, smell the world in one go.
Why you no follow my instruktions?
Why you no keep the time?
Why you no go on with the beat?
Why you no be all mine?

Fast, a kiss! Oh you missed
You gotta aim it straight
But baby, you’re the loveliest
For I’m an inch off the bed.
Flying in space, it’s a bit crazy
I’m seeing yellow stars
Your smile’s a chesire cat on my face
A kiss can’t be too far.

Sexual Creation, Part II

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The following folk story is popularly told among the sheep owned by the Elke people of southern Siberia. Read the first part of this story here.

For a thousand years, men, women and children had been careful about maintaining all dicks in the natural state. But one guy called Benthy was very bored of all this what he deemed to be “nonsense” and declared, “Fuck God! (something which got God excited at first when he heard it with his omnipresent hearing senses, but which upon the realisation of it being a metaphor disappointed him.) It was Dolly the Sheep who gave us the extraordinary power of dicks and Dolly used science and thus it is science that we must worship.” This, declared Benthy, meant being efficient. And Dolly’s design of the penis, he further declared, was not efficient enough. These declaration caused some consternation among some people who asserted that making the penis more efficient would destroy the image of God in which it was constructed, but Benthy silenced them all with the highly efficient prototype of dickism which he had developed.

This prototype, which Benthy called circumcision, was shortly disclosed under a patent for the benefit of humankind. It meant that all new-born male babies had to pay a royalty to Benthy and beg him to cut their penises open. All this was very noble. So Benthy subsequently used his royalty money to get a few unimaginative men to write a book about him called the Bible. It was a very secret, sacred book. And five hundred years later when this book finally came into the public domain, it was re-released as the brand new and wholly original Qoran, with much fanfare.

When God heard of all these developments, he wanted to unleash his wrath upon Benthy. But being a dick himself (and not a very efficient one at that either) he couldn’t do much. So he just asked Dolly to hump him to which Dolly gladly obliged, because she knew what a pain it was being a dick without any hands.

Meanwhile Bozo was prophesied to be The Prophet of the Efficient Dicks by the Very Mysterious Association of Very Important People to Promote Dickism. So when Bozo was born on the night of a beautiful lunar eclipse whereby the moon was shadowed to look like a Great Efficient Penis, seven angels descended from the Heavens to suck his dick and seventeen Magi sodomised each other simultaneously in a ring seeking Bozo’s blessings even as twenty three Kings from Faraway Lands brought twenty three mirrors for Bozo to admire his dick.

Since all these rituals were performed to the perfection, Bozo’s penis hardened and enlarged to grow up to 108 feet and stayed this way all his life and in his death and was then declared to be a religious relic (which is currently on display in one of the southern lands, where people massage it everyday with milk and ghee for Bozo’s pleasure.) In his infinite wisdom, Bozo, as the Son of Science (and Dolly the Sheep) declared that to improve the efficiency of dickism, it was important that all penises be converted into lightsabers. This, he reasoned, would improve the seeding capacity of dicks by twenty thousand times and thus give a wider spread to dickism. Reasoning was a popular trend of the time, so everyone loved the idea.

“But how, O Great Bozo?,” they asked him together. “How do we change our penises to lightsabers?”

“Easy peasy. Let There Be Light!,” Bozo boomed (God and Dolly were still at it in Heaven while Science was hard at experimenting efficiently in Dolly’s laboratory), and all penises started glowing like christmas lights and they grew larger and larger and larger till they were all lightsabers. Men ooh-ed and aah-ed in pleasure and women fainted in ecstasy. And that is why, all sheep reason wisely, a woman glows so lovely when intercoursed by a real efficient dick.