‘Cause divine wrath, it is sexy.
The following folk story is popularly told among the sheep owned by the Elke people of southern Siberia. Read the first part of this story here.
For a thousand years, men, women and children had been careful about maintaining all dicks in the natural state. But one guy called Benthy was very bored of all this what he deemed to be “nonsense” and declared, “Fuck God! (something which got God excited at first when he heard it with his omnipresent hearing senses, but which upon the realisation of it being a metaphor disappointed him.) It was Dolly the Sheep who gave us the extraordinary power of dicks and Dolly used science and thus it is science that we must worship.” This, declared Benthy, meant being efficient. And Dolly’s design of the penis, he further declared, was not efficient enough. These declaration caused some consternation among some people who asserted that making the penis more efficient would destroy the image of God in which it was constructed, but Benthy silenced them all with the highly efficient prototype of dickism which he had developed.
This prototype, which Benthy called circumcision, was shortly disclosed under a patent for the benefit of humankind. It meant that all new-born male babies had to pay a royalty to Benthy and beg him to cut their penises open. All this was very noble. So Benthy subsequently used his royalty money to get a few unimaginative men to write a book about him called the Bible. It was a very secret, sacred book. And five hundred years later when this book finally came into the public domain, it was re-released as the brand new and wholly original Qoran, with much fanfare.
When God heard of all these developments, he wanted to unleash his wrath upon Benthy. But being a dick himself (and not a very efficient one at that either) he couldn’t do much. So he just asked Dolly to hump him to which Dolly gladly obliged, because she knew what a pain it was being a dick without any hands.
Meanwhile Bozo was prophesied to be The Prophet of the Efficient Dicks by the Very Mysterious Association of Very Important People to Promote Dickism. So when Bozo was born on the night of a beautiful lunar eclipse whereby the moon was shadowed to look like a Great Efficient Penis, seven angels descended from the Heavens to suck his dick and seventeen Magi sodomised each other simultaneously in a ring seeking Bozo’s blessings even as twenty three Kings from Faraway Lands brought twenty three mirrors for Bozo to admire his dick.
Since all these rituals were performed to the perfection, Bozo’s penis hardened and enlarged to grow up to 108 feet and stayed this way all his life and in his death and was then declared to be a religious relic (which is currently on display in one of the southern lands, where people massage it everyday with milk and ghee for Bozo’s pleasure.) In his infinite wisdom, Bozo, as the Son of Science (and Dolly the Sheep) declared that to improve the efficiency of dickism, it was important that all penises be converted into lightsabers. This, he reasoned, would improve the seeding capacity of dicks by twenty thousand times and thus give a wider spread to dickism. Reasoning was a popular trend of the time, so everyone loved the idea.
“But how, O Great Bozo?,” they asked him together. “How do we change our penises to lightsabers?”
“Easy peasy. Let There Be Light!,” Bozo boomed (God and Dolly were still at it in Heaven while Science was hard at experimenting efficiently in Dolly’s laboratory), and all penises started glowing like christmas lights and they grew larger and larger and larger till they were all lightsabers. Men ooh-ed and aah-ed in pleasure and women fainted in ecstasy. And that is why, all sheep reason wisely, a woman glows so lovely when intercoursed by a real efficient dick.