“Hello! Meet Mr. Nice. I am Mr. Nice.”
“Hey there Mr. Nice.”
“Hello hello dear! Care for a rumpy pumpy in the sack?”
“Lah lah lah! Let the rumpy pumpy begin! Here’s the sack! And you should know I’m really nice, so I will ask you. ASK YOU whether you want me to do something or not.”
“Do you want me to kiss you?”
“Do you want me to grab your hair in a fit of passion?”
“Do YOU want to?”
“What I want doesn’t matter! Do YOU want to?”
“You should know for sure, you know. Informed customers are get their goods and I look to satisfy MY customer!”
“Do you want me to slobber all over your neck?”
“What’s this? A sex service company? Why do you have to ASK?! Do it if you want to, don’t if you don’t!”
“But I am Mr. Nice! I always seek consent! ALWAYS!”
“I understand how important it is to your dignity as a woman.”
“The body is sacred. The slightest violation and poof! Haven’t you heard of rape laws?”
A feminist somewhere was subsequently swallowed by an Echidna.
The following folk story is popularly told among the sheep owned by the Elke people of southern Siberia.
Twenty thousand years ago, Dolly was a sheep but a very scientific sheep. She had a science laboratory built to conduct all her scientific experiments. She was in the employ of God who since the seventh day of Creation, that is the day of rest, had been suffering from a hangover and injecting too much cocaine to plan all creation by himself. So Dolly humbly did it on his behalf, as was her duty. Creation via science however is always beset with many problems and one problem that Dolly was having trouble with was the design of a penis, which was a reproductive organ that everyone worshipped. She could find little inspiration till one day God, in one of his fits of benevolence, sheared her to make a lovely sweater for himself, whereafter he whipped, slapped and rubbed his balls all over her shorn body. It was then that Dolly had her brilliant idea…since the penis was worshipped by everyone and God was worshipped by everyone, she reasoned that a penis must be designed in the image of God. Dolly was very strong at reasoning.
So she made the penis exactly in the image of God and God was very happy because he now looked exactly like a dick. When Dolly presented the design to him, as an expression of his happiness, he rubbed the penis so hard that it popped and tiny balloons floated from within it. This development made Dolly anxious but she was able to put the penis back together the way it had been. God was sorry for popping Dolly’s amazing penis and so vowed to always take extremely good care of all the dicks of the world. Consequently, he vowed to unleash his wrath upon any man, woman or child who wasn’t extremely cautious, tender and gentle around a dick because none of them can stand being offended. All men especially, he declared, who do not take their penises very seriously were in violation of the primary law of the sanctity of God (since a penis was in the image of God) and everyone who had their penises squeezed too hard, bitten, turned purple or popped would be in violation of the natural state of the penis. And because of its very long history, the natural state was very important, everyone agreed.
At first, the people of the earth were very happy because dicks were something new and thus intriguing. So they decided to humor all dicks. But soon they got bored and wanted to experiment, which is when Benthy came to their rescue.
Read the second part of the story here.