Tag Archives: sexual

The Showers Today, They Be Golden

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Doo-dloo-doo-doo-doo Doo-dloo-doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-dloo-doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-dloo-doo-doo-doo-doo…

I’m peeeeeeeeeeeeing in the rain

Just peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeing in the raaaain

What a glorious feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelin’

I’m haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappy again

Laughing with your smelly pout

So staaaaaaaaaaark up aboveeee

My mouth’s on your tart

And I’m reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaady for looooooooooove

Let revulsion chase

Everyone from the place

Come on with yooooour raaaaaaaaain

I’ve a smiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiile on my faaaaaaaaaaaaace

For it waaaaaaaaalks dowwwwn my laaaaaaaaaane

With a haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappy refraaaaaaaaaain

Just peeing, peeeeeeeeeeeeeing with your rain…

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Our Colourful Sexual Camaraderie

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Min-min-min-min
A child steps on a pussy
Squirting it like orange juice
STD! STD!, doctors proclaim
And hand over a cellular phone
Texts back and forth
Your brain’s the most powerful sex.
Min-min-min-min
There’s no rain over a roof of tin
Li’l men ask, ki? ki? kiiiiii?
Khi khi khi
Shut them up, kiss on the lips
Now, you pedophile!
Routine, poutine, a shallow teen
Will lie next, a consenting adult.
Min-min-min-min
What if you replace a heart for a dick
Pumping blood into every mouth
That unwaringly licks
What if sex is forthright, straight
Without uh…all the uncertain wait
Argh, impatience, impatience! bang-bang
Make for an awful poem.

Nighttime Muzak

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“Oh I could so sex right now!,” she cried out loud desperately in a moment of sudden dawning when the words wanted to escape her.

She had been listening to him all day. All of too day and two days and even when it had rained. His voice had become a dark sort of haze which washed the gray sky in circles. Ta da ta da ta da da ta da, ta da ta da ta da da ta ta da.

White flowers, white white flowers bloomed and died like her crotch on a shady mountainside. A slopy mountainside. An easy mountainside but a nightening mountainside.

That night she had heard him again…just to laugh at his words. So phony when not sung. So phony when read out aloud. And his illiteracy. But he sucked her in and then took a knife and popped her. She quietly burst into seventeen lakh tiny balloons smiling peacefully at the mountainside and the fast moving clouds of the sky. Floating down down down…ta da ta da ta ta ta ta da da. Ta da ta da ta ta ta ta da da. She loudly burst into an explosion from a very hot air balloon…Boom! and cried out aloud, “Please! Do me! For pity’s sake!”

Ta da ta da ta da da da ta da, he nonchalantly went on. Oblivious of all her desire. Or too aware of it. What a cruel, cruel man!… What a night of contradictions, heh.

She lay there almost in tears. Reduced to an inescapable, uncontrolled need to touch herself. She cried and laughed at the pathetic-ness of it. She laughed and cried at the love of it. She shouted out loud at all he was capable of.

“Oh! Oh! Oh!,” she moaned into the darkness as she imagined herself dying on an empty hillside. Herself orgasming on a pretty hillside. While all of humanity danced around her playing Ring-a-Ring-o’-Roses. Wavy, in waves. Pink, purple, blue and gray. Curling fingers. Curling toes. Filled with an occasionally elusive, occasionally formful fog that was him. Speckled with rain she could feel on her tongue. Just out of her reach.

Helpless. Helpless…so helpless, oh! “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!,” she shrieked out twenty times in frustration and in hope. “Oh! Fuck!” One last time. One first time. Please, oh please! She begged.

She was stripped of all dignity, ready to flow like melted vanilla icecream. He had been so sudden, so out of blues, it did not even hit her when she had to fight him. “Fuck!,” she said again, in realisation of her humiliation. “Fuck!,” she said for using so many -tions. She turned him off. She would not, could not listen to him. It was not worth it. So not. He died, throttled suddenly. Same way he had come. Out of blues. Moos.

Calmer now, she wondered if she would be (could be?) born from him if they sexed. Li’l Bo Peep has lost her sheep and can’t tell where to find them. That night she swallowed nineteen million stars from the deep blue sky and came them out of her vagina in a van Gogh painting. And twenty five minutes later, she still wanted to hump the bedpost.

O’s Woes, Part I

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The following is a distressing sexual tale. Please use caution while reading it. 

O had a very O mouth. This means her mouth was shaped like an O. Like a goldfish. Though I have no clue why they say O like a goldfish- I suppose goldfish in a small round aquarium come to the glass walls and press their mouths against it so that it looks like an O- anyhow it is a valid expression. So yeah, O’s mouth was very O. She could never close it. It was always open like an open O.

Now like all things, this has several advantages and disadvantages. Sometimes flies and such would get inside her mouth and she had to flail around her tongue helplessly till they got out and even then she could not close her mouth. But on the other hand, of course it was perfect for giving blowjobs. One just had to slip one’s penis in.

Only, there was a slight glitch.

O had very large teeth. Not quite as large a rabbit but larger than a wooly mammoth. Now you may ask how that is possible, so well let’s say O had been raped twenty seven years before in the dead of the night by a dirty rapist with a six inch steel knife and the scars of her rapeful humiliation still carried on and made her do six impossible things before breakfast and seventeen later. The psychological impact on a rape victim is shatteringly permanent, as has been well-established, so pretty much anything is possible.

Now as you might know, large teeth while giving a blowjob are highly hindering because people with penises do not want their penises hurt with teeth or such for like the Elke people’s sheep say, they might be then be hit upon by the dreadful wrath of God, and who wants to risk that? Nevertheless the sight of O’s O mouth was too arousing for too many people with penises to resist it, and so they came up with a plan. 

…to be continued

The God of Small Thingies, Part I | A Very Sad Town

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The following text entails a very elusive and much sought-after erotic fable from south Asia. The telling of this fable in a single session is considered to be a very strong, and sometimes even fatal, aphrodisiac in these parts. Owing to its highly addictive nature, it has been known to cause several deaths due to uncontrolled consumption among the very sexy clowns of the monsooned forests of southern India, located in south Asia. Hence, having careful consideration of your safety and welfare, this erotic fable is brought to you in four parts.

Monsoon came to Ayemenem slow and drowsy, turning skies gray. It expanded the cupboards and shriveled the thingies. This made men sad and women nutty. Some people thought of replacing the thingies with coconuts. But most people disliked coconuts because they were always kinda huge and hard and that can be painful (as had been proven by Priapus 3,000 years ago.)

The temple elephant was seeing the worst of it. Being an elephant, one expects to have a big thingy. But his had shriveled up to the size of a small date. And since elephants do not wear pants, all the lady elephants knew about his tiny thingy and he had to go without a date for several weeks.

At nights, a voyeur walking through Ayemenem could expect to see the women performing a ritual to boost the men’s morales in every house. This ritual consisted of the women struggling with a microscope to locate their husband’s thingies. The ritual, in itself, was quite challenging because microscopes, though very precise and scientific instruments, are quite unwieldy. However it did help to some extent because seeing an enlarged image of a small thingy under a convex glass lens turned the women on, and their moaning gave their husbands a sense of accomplishment of highly engorged proportions. Proportions that their thingies never achieved. Nevertheless, monsoon was a dry season that year in Ayemenem. If you know what I mean.

Meanwhile, the local police superintendent tapped women’s breasts with his baton. Like they were watermelons. “Tap-tap.” But knowing of the tiny predicament of the police superintendent’s thingy, the women’s breasts were sexually deroused and decided to actually turn into watermelons rather than be just a likeness of the same. This was too sad because these watermelons were soon devoured by the numerous insects and larvae which thrive in the romance of the monsoons.

Ayemenem was reduced to a lifeless town of shriveled thingies and half-eaten watermelons. Black watermelon seeds sometimes flew out of the blue around the town from the insects having spat them. It was only insects who did all the seeding that year in Ayemenem. If you know what I mean.

The horridness and humiliation of having a small thingy was devastating. The suicide rate in Ayemenem rose drastically in a matter of days. The markets were flooded with Viagra (which was not helping much) and the little river in Ayemenem with corpses of men who had finally resigned to having a small thingy and women who suffered the humiliation of their men with them.

The government was very concerned about the situation. It felt helpless in the face of such a great calamity as had riddled the town of Ayemenem. It wailed for help frantically here and there. Finally some Enlightened people realised that this great calamity which loomed over Ayemenem like a huge loom from the days of the Industrial Revolution, was nothing but the result of centuries of oppression of the masses. These people decided to come to the rescue of the government by donning red flags, banners and stuff. They called themselves communists.

…to be continued.

Sexual Creation, Part I

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The following folk story is popularly told among the sheep owned by the Elke people of southern Siberia.

Twenty thousand years ago, Dolly was a sheep but a very scientific sheep. She had a science laboratory built to conduct all her scientific experiments. She was in the employ of God who since the seventh day of Creation, that is the day of rest, had been suffering from a hangover and injecting too much cocaine to plan all creation by himself. So Dolly humbly did it on his behalf, as was her duty. Creation via science however is always beset with many problems and one problem that Dolly was having trouble with was the design of a penis, which was a reproductive organ that everyone worshipped. She could find little inspiration till one day God, in one of his fits of benevolence, sheared her to make a lovely sweater for himself, whereafter he whipped, slapped and rubbed his balls all over her shorn body. It was then that Dolly had her brilliant idea…since the penis was worshipped by everyone and God was worshipped by everyone, she reasoned that a penis must be designed in the image of God. Dolly was very strong at reasoning.

So she made the penis exactly in the image of God and God was very happy because he now looked exactly like a dick. When Dolly presented the design to him, as an expression of his happiness, he rubbed the penis so hard that it popped and tiny balloons floated from within it. This development made Dolly anxious but she was able to put the penis back together the way it had been. God was sorry for popping Dolly’s amazing penis and so vowed to always take extremely good care of all the dicks of the world. Consequently, he vowed to unleash his wrath upon any man, woman or child who wasn’t extremely cautious, tender and gentle around a dick because none of them can stand being offended. All men especially, he declared, who do not take their penises very seriously were in violation of the primary law of the sanctity of God (since a penis was in the image of God) and everyone who had their penises squeezed too hard, bitten, turned purple or popped would be in violation of the natural state of the penis. And because of its very long history, the natural state was very important, everyone agreed.

At first, the people of the earth were very happy because dicks were something new and thus intriguing. So they decided to humor all dicks. But soon they got bored and wanted to experiment, which is when Benthy came to their rescue.

Read the second part of the story here.